I quarreled with God last night,
Not because I wanted to, but because I had no other way,
My voice found its tone,
My tears found their release
And my bitterness found an out-
I let Him know how I felt,
Not like He doesn't know,
Not like He doesn't care,
But like He doesn't show he does.
I know, I know,
I am wrong.
I know, I should know better.
I know.
But you see, I was hurting.
So much and oh so bitter.
My spirit let it out,
My soul had been carrying it and suddenly it didn't have to anymore,
So I opened my ....... not my heart....
Not my mind.......
My inner me, the one that hides all my secrets, emotions, feelings, thoughts
I quarreled over fits of tears and stutters
I cried out to Him in pain, anger, disgust,
All of me hated all I was, in that moment
So I let Him know,
I hate everything I am.
How dreadful, how painful, how horrible.
Why so much hatred for who I am?
I quarreled and asked Him, why He made me as I am
I quarreled with God last night and I am so ashamed.
My colleague is getting married, he is a forty something year old stuck in his ways slightly mean spirited man who makes it hard to imagine harmony prevailing in his home.
He seems to be highly dominative and I shudder to think that if the woman he has chosen to marry is meek and has no back bone, she will be reduced to whatever ideal he has of a wife in his head.
He paces A LOT when he talks on the phone and it kind of irritates myself and my colleagues as he chooses to use our space loudly, objecting to the other person on the end of the line instead of using his office.
That made me realize, when you marry someone, you're marrying their everything.
Those little annoying habits that may at first seem cute but on a bad day when you've failed to agree or agree to disagree on a matter that is pulling at your emotional clogger, those habits will be annoying and frustrating.
Those little quirks you have will stand out to them like a thick red sore thumb and they'll maybe, probably, want to knock it down because, for goodness sake can you stop pacing that damn floor!
So, marriage, dare I say it not even being engaged in the throws of it yet, is a bag of everything all at once suddenly.
Marry me and marry my countless books collection, my endless music collection, my quirky family, my vibrating alarms at an obscene hour and my love for funny memes and gifs.
Marry my aloofness, my cold hearted bitchy ways and my indifference where even if I care with every ounce of my beating heart, I will make it seem like I hate the ground you walk on.
Because, this is reality.
You spend a hefty amount of money on a day that leads to a lifetime of spending even more money on bills, taxes, children, health, food, clothing, luxuries, family trips e.t.c.
It gets harder if you chose to remain two separate entities, two individuals joined together by a band on your finger.
Choose wisely.
Cause the right person will see those quirks on your worst days as a couple and maybe hope you tripped and fell and thus stopped your annoying pacing but, then they'll think of how much you mean to them and they'll stop and ignore the annoying pacing and focus on sorting the problem because they chose you for who you showed them you are.
Only in my wildest dreams will I ever marry someone that caters to everything my heart desires and everything I want.
Only there.
In reality, perhaps my colleague's soon to be wife loves the pacing, maybe it keeps him calm while she's calculating her next move.
Maybe it gives them both some time for them to figure things out in their minds before they provide possible solutions.
Wildest dreams are, after all, just that, wild dreams that may or may not come to life.
And if they do, on a Monday when the kids are late to get out of the house, the traffic is never ending, little Johnny has dropped juice on his white school short, Lisa is mad because she can't go on that date and Tommy's marks are on a constant slope, when the bills are piling up and the taxes have to be done, when you barely spoke in the morning because, 'all I bloody asked for was you to take out the damn trash", that's when reality begs the question, "Would you change anything?"
I hope, my married friends, your answer all the time is no.
No, I would not.
Because amidst the chaos and the tantrums and the bills and the taxes, there is a love that is stronger than any challenge and as long as we are together, I know we shall be alright.
And those of us with fractured hearts that we allow those we love to break every other day will sleep in a sea of tears abound a bed of a fragile heart knowing that when we wake we are stronger than the bricks that hurl to break.
I love you so deeply you will never see it because you choose to look at my flaws with a magnifying glass that the beauty of the love I have is diminished by your incessant need to pick at my imperfection.
But the truth is, I love me so deeply there will never come a day this fractured heart doesn't beat to remind me, " You are worthy, you are carved in love, you are love, you are, you are, you are"
For a night?
Rustling in his sheets,
Leaving him breathless,
Satiated? Contented? Spent?
Then it's back to you as you and me as me, no we.
I wonder, what does he mean?
For life?
For a partner?
To fight away the hard times,
Celebrate upon the good ones,
To build love, hope, family,
Success?
No longer you as you and me as me but us as we.
When he says I want to know you
I ask myself, for?
For my mind?
My very self?
For me?
To help me create the supernova I was meant to be?
To nurture growth,
To love the imperfect to perfection?
No longer me as only me but also as the me you see.
When he says he will wait
I ask myself, for how long?
Till you walk me down the aisle?
Till you take my hand and declare undying love,
In front of the church, the parents, the friends, Heaven itself?
Until I say I do,
Until I say I am ready,
Until I say, please do?
No longer you as you and me as me but as us melting into each other.
When he keeps silent
I ask, is my truth too heavy for him to hold?
Can he manage to carry the both of us when I am weak and unable?
Can he understand the mind of a woman and the secrets in her heart?
Can he see through them to the very heart of me?
Can he love me for all my flaws?
No longer me alone but me and him,
Together,
Always.
When he says all he says,
I smile,
I wonder,
I ask all these questions silently.
When he says what he says.
There's endless lines,
Infinite depth,
A spectrum so bright and alive,
Brimming, vibrating, waiting.
It's as if you could say I have been fast asleep all this time.
Breathing, but not exhaling, not holding my breath either,
Just living.
Not making any effort,
But not not trying either.
I've spent so long developing these walls,
These perimeters to ensure I am safe, always.
I've spent so long living within this self imposed prison,
Allowing only those that I love deeply in.
So when you try to chip away,
Try to gain access,
Try to love me through these walls,
Understand one thing;
You can not colour me as you would please;
Vibrant always,
Happy ever,
Bubbly overflowing,
Sweet on tap,
Caring unconditionally,
You can not.
The colours are there,
They are beautiful,
They are slightly dull,
They will become vivid and vibrant,
They will exude all the beauty the good Lord placed within me,
If and only if,
You choose to let them shine as they choose to.
Not for your pleasure,
Your quest for illusions,
Not your ego,
But for the love you give, that allows them to shine.
So fill in the blank spaces,
Take your time when you chip away,
Smile when you see the shades,
After all, they are becoming because of you.
Embrace these slow, baby steps,
One at a time
Know that soon enough,
When you least expect,
We will be able to colour me in,
Vibrantly, vividly,
Shinning.
Till then,
Be gentle,
Be patient,
Be kind,
While you colour me in.
I put your picture in a box of glass,
Watched it as it fell and smashed,
I wrote these words upon my heart,
Today,
I'm not fighting it anymore.
You must have hurt when it all crashed,
Fell apart and hit the end before it played....
You must remember my name, my face,
But I'm,
Letting go of it all today.
I put my shoes on and ran out the door,
I felt that wind against my face, it's not cold anymore,
The clouds they seem to have lifted,
The sun is finally shinning and I'm,
Not running anymore.
I get so crazy when those thoughts come in my head,
I get so lost when I think of you instead,
I'm trying, doing it so well
Yeah I'm not running against the time.
Yeah I'm healing with the breeze,
Yeah, I stopped running against the time.
I put your picture on the palm of my hand.
I watched as the wind blew it away.
The pain I feel no longer wears me down,
Yeah,
Stopped running against the time.
I'm not running anymore.
