Monday, 29 January 2018
But here I am!☺☺☺☺
I realise my last post was about death and how ironic that I wrote that and then would have to experience a, still unbelievable, death. Deaths, they are pauses in our lives that make us think, question and reflect. This particular one, hit me in a way I never knew possible.
It has taken me months to recover from my past year and I finally feel, I'm starting to build again, slowly, carefully, thoughtfully, lovingly. I want a life that stands up and sings every morning, not one that flops by the sides and does out of obligation to contract.
That's 👆 hard, I wish someone had told me earlier, a life you love, is hard to make so you have to start as soon as you feel your whole being sing the first time you attempt something new. I tried to close my eyes and remember the first time that happened to me; when I did something for the first time and suddenly I felt alive and real, nothing jumped up.😐
I'm confident this moment will happen, eventually, because, to be honest, if it hasn't happened already it will soon enough. In my pursuit for happiness and fulfilment, I always believed I have to find my purpose, then everything will click!
Wrong! There is no such thing happening for me, hasn't been for a while, then I began to soul search, meditate, read, think mindfully, basically, try everything to reach a, "Ah, this is my purpose" moment. Nothing.
It came to me though, one day as I was reading a rather soul loving book, it's not about pausing your life or living in half mode to get to and find your purpose to go forward. It's about going forward with the journey, living positively, enjoying the small moments, the big ones, the boring ones and the hurtful ones and knowing that this is purpose. Living is purpose. And maybe from your living, you will find there are things you consistently do without noticing but someone in your life appreciates it, maybe that's it, or maybe it isn't your purpose. Maybe your purpose will hit you unexpectedly on a bright sunny day, walking through the mall or on that rainy day lying under a duvet.
But in the meantime, this life you have, is your greater purpose, because you can choose to light it up as a beacon for those you can assist in whichever way or you can choose to leave it be, just another life.
But why shrink, yet you were born to shine.
Thank you for reading.
Monday, 29 May 2017
When I die
I hope you won't feel empty by the void that I've left,
I hope you'll be full instead,
Share my love with the world I've left behind.
When I die I hope you tell the world I was happy,
I hope they see it in your eyes,
I hope I leave you with peace cloaked in love.
When I die I know that you'll be sad,
Leave trails of loss across your face,
But I want you to smile instead,
Keep me alive with every breath.
If I die in my pursuit of happiness,
Tell the world I couldn't care less,
My happiness lives in you,
I died with a smile on my face.
If I die, trust me I died with love,
Scrolled across the open skies,
Written in the root of my heart,
I died with the warmth of love as a forever embrace.
Keep me alive in your smile,
Let your heart beat fill with love,
Carry me in your every step,
I loved you till my very last breath,
I'm alive in the very beat of your heart,
When I die.
Saturday, 15 April 2017
No one can deny that.
Know this, you're a better woman because of this.
He'll try to break you,
Becky, hold still.
Do not let your guard down.
Let's proove him wrong.
Becky, stand firm, stand tall,
Keep saying no.
An abusive relationship is the same regardless of the stand,
No woman deserves to be mistreated even in another man's land,
Becky, this woman, won't let you stand alone.
But I shall fight for you and take a stand.
Until a strong man told me I did not have to be.
Since then, I have stood bold and strong.
Becky, let me help you.
We are strong,
We aren't meant to sit in abuse.
We shall get through this,
We shall win.
I have so many things to write.
Stories, the poems seem to be a bit quieter these days,
But, I am hesitant.
Should I write what I feel?
What I know?
What I imagine?
What do I feel?
Many things, all at once, all at the same time.
What do I know?
My life, I suppose.
What do I imagine?
Too much all at once.
So, I hesitate.
I have never been good at having a first draft, writing it down then reading it all over again, then changing and writing,
Draft upon countless draft.
That's not me.
But, how will I know if it's good?
Cause, your soul will smile when you've written it out.
It grips my typing hand every time I take to the keyboard.
Let it go,
My creativity whispers,
What's the worst that could happen?
Tuesday, 11 April 2017
For so long I have been told and have understood that wealth is all about your bank account, your wallet, your professional title. You are not wealthy if you do not have that good job, with that good wallet and that good bank balance.
I think my whole family is allergic to saving, just a side note.
So recently, sitting with my job that was tormenting me day and night looking at my bank balance wondering why the number never seems to stay above a certain amount, I have tried God knows, but let's not forget the allergy I mentioned above.
I realised, I have been taught the wrong definition of wealth. It has nothing to do with money. Nothing to do with success and nothing to do with happiness.
Wealth, what I believe, my new definition is; how healthy you are, how happy you are and how at peace of mind you are because that all determines the quality of life you have and if that quality is not good, then you are nowhere to wealthy.
I have never been so unhappy to get up and got to work, to face another nine hours at a place with little to offer besides a salary, Never had I asked myself over and over again, "why? why? why?" every single day of my life.
This made me question my morals, my life, my dreams, my goals, my desires, my thought process my whole life. I did not like where I was and how I was. Desperately in need for a break, tired all the time, often unhappy and cursing each day.
What was I thinking? I was really on the brink of a career meltdown.
Then I hit a wall, a medical wall, that saw me entering the theatre days after learning about my condition, shocking, striking, a punch in the face out of nowhere.
I thought, I was chasing wealth, I realised I was running away from my happiness, my health, my peace of mind. I was emotionally, spiritually and peacefully broke. I had nothing but unhappiness, negativity and no will to get up in the morning.
I was nowhere near wealth at all.
Thus the change in definition.
Wealth; peace of mind, state of happiness, good health, self love.
I am who I am.
I can't be the other girls,
They aren't me.
So while you may be waiting for me to be like them,
I dance to the tune of my drum,
Get away from me,
With your conformity,
I refuse to be another you,
Baby I'm all original me.
They may have the good hair,
Tight bodies and a smile so bright,
I've got the stars and the sun,
I've got the moon in my life
And dreams burning bright,
So while you focus on a look,
I'm focusing on a being.
Marching to my own drum,
Who are you to lead me I don't want to follow anyone,
My story is my own, I'll write it up and tear it up
To write it all again.
Don't try to deceive me, telling me who I should be,
I have an everlasting beauty beating in my veins,
So, show a little kindness,
Accept me for who I am
Make no judgement, just try to love the scars and flaws
I'll always be different, there's no similar one,
There's beauty in individuality, not all must conform.
So, let go of your expectations,
I fell short the moment you laid them down,
If you don't understand, just listen to the beating drum,
Sunday, 26 February 2017
Sometimes, I need to remove my glasses to think,
For some reason, everything becomes slightly more clearer.
Today more than ever, I felt like a conversation was due.
I humbled myself, closed my eyes and my soul spoke.
She knows it all, you know.
I knew what she was saying, I just never articulated it so perfectly.
So, as I held my head in my hands,
I heard the answers,
Slid my glasses off and listened.
When did I arrive at this place?
Who is this person?
I was always fearless, jumping then looking for safety.
When did I get so guarded and scared?
When did I let fear become a friend?
Who is she?
My soul seemed to ask.
I haven't touched this page in months.
Haven't read through it till now.
There are stories bursting at their seams inside my heart,
They are asking me to release them.
I am ready.
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I am staring at the blank page of my document, I have so many things to write. Stories, the poems seem to be a bit quieter these days, B...
When I die I hope you won't feel empty by the void that I've left, I hope you'll be full instead, Share my love with the worl...