What I want

I asked myself, what I want.

I asked this question after temptation came knocking.
Cause, it would be so easy, wouldn't it?
To let temptation take the reigns,
Even just for a day or an hour.
But then, it would all fade away.
So I turned away from this temptation.

I asked myself what I want.

After so many had asked the same.
Cause it would be easy to say I am content,
Safe, sure, at rest here.
But my galloping heart is never that way.
I'm always searching, reaching, yearning, going,
Forward, further, for more.
I dream, I aspire, I do, I become.

I asked myself what do I want.

My adult self, should be very clear, certain, sure.
Well, I know what I want.
I have a plan,
I'll get there I know,
Not straight, but bent and crooked and exhausted,
But I'll get there.
I know who I want,
Not a maybe, a reluctant okay,
An I can fix this or that,
Not, it's not all okay, but it'll work,
No.

I want the picture I have in my head.
It won't be perfect, but it'll be so worth it.

I asked myself what I want
As I lay down at night with the breeze as my companion,
The stars as my audience,
The moon, my spotlight.
What do I want?

I saw it all, the love, the success, the gains, the losses.

I am who I need to get there,
I know what I want and perhaps, this time,
I shall go after it without any compromise.

ACTION MAN

I said, 'I think I scare him',
She laughed, 'Why?'
I said, 'I'm not into the usual bull shit'
She frowned, 'Bull shit?'
I explained,

You know,
The whole, I get you,
I understand you,
You're beautiful,
You're funny,
You're sexy,
I'd treasure you,
You'd be my everything.

Just STOP IT.

She said, 'You're crazy, what's wrong with that?'
I said, 'Everything!'
I explained,

The problem is, they all use it,
They think it's a safe bet.
Tell you how the sun rises and sets in your eyes,
How beautiful life is when they are with you,
How amazing you are,
They all say it.
Hoping they can get you in their beds,
Rolling your eyes back,
Screaming their names,
So that they can feel like "real men"

That bull shit.

She asked, 'So, what do you want?'

I smiled and I explained,

I want someone to show me, not tell me.

Show me how life is beautiful when I'm with you,
Show me how the sun looks like in my eyes,
Show me that you're mind doesn't just race to your bed,
Show me you have better plans prepared for me, for you, for us, in your head.
Act on these plans,
Build those foundations,
Court me, not through your phone,
But in real life.
Know me.

Know what I like, what I don't,
What I mean when my response comes out confused,
Know when I'm mad and try to fix it, not walk away to let me "think through it"

I'm not alone in this,
So don't ever leave me to swim in the deep.

Show me, this beautiful, amazing life when we are together and even more,
When we are apart.

I want the actions;
Flowers for nothing but to put a smile on my face,
A phone call to let me know you're outside my door without  my expectation,
Hold my hand because you love the feel of that embrace,
Hold me, because you know I'd never ask, but you know how I love it
Kiss me with no intention of going further, but with a desire to feel love in a simple, intimate, passionate gesture.
I want actions that say forever.

Not words,
Actions.

She laughed. 'Is there any one out there like that?'
I said, 'If I can imagine it, he probably is out there.'

And I know you are,
So I won't rush you anymore, when you're ready,
I will be too.

For now, I'll work on me and you on you,
Enjoy your days and I'll bask in mine too.
For waiting is just time passing as it does everyday,
A small price to pay,
For a life time by your side.

Love myself.

It's almost a month since my last post.
I have been reading my thoughts across these pages and think, I love my blog.
I love the mind that writes it, the mind that thinks it and the heart that feels it.

I have been inspired by so much lately, but the words are hard to write.
Almost like they'd betray me, because in them I know, I have every answer.
Yet, I almost, completely, do not want to know these answers.
They confirm what I know, this isn't my ideal world.

So, I let the words build up till they have to spill out,
Onto this world,
This blog,
Where I am.

A whole other year is about to go by.

Reality is knocking harder, life isn't getting easier,
My three loves are growing bigger, they'll be bigger than me soon!
All I really want, i s a great life for these little angels, my nephews, they are my heart.
Honestly, there is no love like that for a child.
For them I'd give my own without a thought.

But again, I have to remember, there is always me.
So, till I pour out a thought or my heart, have a good night.

I just discovered this, and besides the obvious, it's in my ear now and just reminds me to love myself always.
(I know what the song's about but it does have other not so physical meanings (I think) :))

Waiting

Here I sit waiting for you,
Here I've sat all this month through.
Down to the last few days.

They said you'd come,
But I haven't seen a sign yet.

Yet here I sit waiting on you.

I wonder what you look like,
Your eyes, your smile.
I wonder what you feel like,
Your hands, your hair.

But here I am waiting on you.

He has sandy hair and bright eyes,
His height is just right,
And he's even polite!

But I doubt he is you.
You see, he is with someone else.
They never said you'd come attached.

So here I am waiting for you.

He was nice and polite,
Smart and alright.
Educated in his speech.
But I don't know if he is you.

So here I sit waiting on you.

You don't keep time,
Perhaps you just have perfect timing.
I'll know if you show before the clock hits midnight on the thirty first of this month.

Here I am.

I am not perfect,
But I am waiting.
I am not the most beautiful,
But my soul is an amazing never ending garden.
I am not a model,
But I am an inspiration.

Here I am waiting for you.

It's getting late now.
The month is almost out of days.
I'm getting weary.
My heart is wide open.
I'm ready to be revealing
With my emotions I guard so well.
I'm ready to drop these defenses.

But I'm still waiting.

So I sit.
Writing to you.
I know that one day this one dream shall come true.

Till then my love,
I know one thing is true,
You have horrible timing,
That's sucks, but don't worry,
I'm still here waiting.
Waiting for you.

Wordless emotions

My heart is speaking,
My hand is stretching,
My pen is poised above this paper.

But there is no ink,
There are no words,
It's just a blank canvas
With not even one verse.

It's hard sometimes to write the truth,
To write in where someone wrote you out.
It's painful to know the depth of the truth,
That even the hurt that my heart speaks about,
Refuses to be written out in truth.

Because God forbid this current truth sticks.

Longing

I sit here in utter disbelief,
"It can't be," my mind thinks.
How after all this time am I suddenly cast away,
Like a lost sheep?

Don't I have an identity I wonder,
Aren't I allowed to be?
Part of here, part of them, part of us, part of we?

I can not understand this.
Who am I to them?

An outsider? A wannabe? A fake?

A phony.

Wow, mercy on me.

I'm now being branded a fake.

I blink back my rage. My anger. My abandonment.

I guess what they say is true, without that face, you can never really be here like them.

I am now foreign. Now someone that wants to belong but can not.
Someone that thinks they belong but do not.

Someone that should find where they belong.

And yet all I have ever had is the longing to belong.

FIGHTING - THE RIGHT FIGHT

I have never wanted to fight so hard for me than right now.

I always prayed if there had to be one taken from my family,
It would be me.

Because the others had families, significant others,
Children who needed them,
Loved them, had to have them.

I had nothing.

Just myself.

And if I was gone I would be missed,
But no child or partner would weep in the hole I had left in their hearts.

That was then.

Now,
I see what the truth really is.

I value.

I matter.

I have this life for a reason, a purpose.

I want this life.

I have plans for it,
To create a better tomorrow,
Better nows,
Better versions of the me I am.

So I began fighting,
Without even knowing it,
Without even feeling it,
Fighting for me.

Fighting, the right fight.

After all, He blew life into lungs and a beat into my heart,
There was always a plan for my life.
I just started to see it.

I'm fighting for every beat, every breath, every trial every success.

I'm fighting on the right side.

A Parting Gift

I love who you used to be to me.

You were a hero in my eyes,

The very reason I loved having you in my life.

But you began to show your true self

And you didn't care if that hurt who I was to you.

I cried in front of your truth,

Shed my shields and let you see me for who I was.

You still didn't care that you hurt me so much,

That a part of me broke every single time.

I blamed myself for being so bad in your eyes.

It must have been something I'd done,

"What did I do?" I cried to myself,

Tears rolling down my face,

"I must have done something wrong."

"I truly am useless"

"Worthless"

I lied to myself.

Believed I was incapable of being loved, 

Believed I was stupid,

Those were the words you said,

STUPID.

I believed that was who I was.

Then I started to experience life on my own,

I hit a ceiling and crashed so hard to the ground

I broke so much of myself, I lost a lot of who I was

And who I became questioned everything I had been told.

Wasn't I good enough to be loved?

Wasn't I worth the while?

Wasn't I precious, clever, smart, intelligent?

Wasn't I priceless?

So who I became decided you had no right,

To tell me those words that you knew would crush everything I was.

So I gave up on hearing you,

Listening to you,

Leaning on you,

Believing in you, believing you.

Who I became, who I am,

Wants to say,

That I love you,

You are from my blood,

You are in my skin,

You are from where I am,

But I can never trust another word you say.

I can never hate you,

I can only love you,

But I love who I am more now than before.

And this new love leaves you with this parting gift,

I love you much more than you believe,

But our lines are better running parallel 

I wish you all that you dream and hope for.

I shall clap at your success,

Pray for the best for you,

But I will never let you close enough to hurt me ever again.

This, my dear,

Is my parting gift.

If I told you what I see when I look at you

When I look at you,
I marvel at what I see.
I see so much more, than you see the potential to be.

You are love, you are light, you are brilliance waiting to break free.

When I look at you,
I love what I see.

You are excellence, you are amazing,
You are brilliance waiting to happen.

God made you and He knew somewhere,
Down the line,
You too would look at you and see,
All the excellence that you could be.

I love what I see,
When I gaze my eyes upon thee.

I see your struggles, your sadness, your healing,
I see your light.

It's truly amazing,
How bright you shine when I look at you.

If I told you what I see,
When I look at you,
Would you believe me?

That in all this rubble of the past,
In all these building blocks of the future,
You are excellence personified,
Happening slowly,
Gracefully,
Going down your road
On a lovely, story worthy pleasant journey.

When I look at you,
I see a past, a present,
An amazing future, an amazing becoming,
An excellent light.

When I look at you I see the brilliance of your light
I hope and pray you see the same,
When you gaze upon your face,
In your moments of truth, of hope, of light.

I love who I see,
When I gaze upon thee.

A YEAR GONE BY

I last visited my blog over a year ago!

WOW!

That took me forever, I wonder why.

Well, it has been an interesting coming into, breaking in a new way of thinking, a new way of living, I am now officially a different person from who I was.

In my last year my heart was still healing from my past. I was sad on some days, mad on others, afraid at times and unhappy often.

I cried and cried for all I had gone through, all that my heart was still hurting from, the pain my memories and reality caused.

But then, I began to heal.

I began to see this life through a different lens. Probably through the correct, rightful lens.

I began to love who I was and try to understand who I was becoming.

I began to love God in a whole new light, in a better way, in a way I finally could realize He sees all, He knows all and I can not hide anything from Him.

But unlike human nature, no matter what I do, have done, will do, He will always love me for who He knows I am and who He knows I am meant to be.

I had stopped writing, maybe because I felt guilty, maybe because I held in everything afraid to let it go, to let it out, to let it breathe.

But now I realize, I need my awesome talent to help me release all that's left, all that's happened, all that's been and to help me unleash the best of all that I can be.

You're welcome to read, to laugh, to not be bothered. Remember, if you have a positive honest true dream, a plan for your life that makes you feel good, makes you feel right, go after it and live it.

This is your life.

Only you can live it and breathe it and feel it.

Take it higher to its awesome height and watch God lift it even higher than you could ever imagine.

Me.

Forever is not lost,
Turn the page to a new year, i feel like i'm new here,
The words on these pages over a year ago
Don't seem to reflect my soul,
Anymore,
Thank you Lord.

I'm learning to grow,feeling an inner peace,
Openess, i really feel free,
For the first time i'm gonna be,
Unapologetically, imperfect me