Sometimes, foolishly

Sometimes I think,
The moon must have fallen on me.

For the shadows are so thick I can't see beyond me.

Sometimes I think,
The stars don't shine on me,

For every missed moment seems taken too abrupt.

Sometimes I think,
Only another fool could love me.

For this foolish mind and heart surely can't be loved by another.

Sometimes I know, I'm not good enough,

Not open enough,

Strong enough,

Talking enough,

Doing enough.

Sometimes I wonder, why does anyone choose to look?

Sometimes I think the world will never see,

Just how far my heart can beat,

All these hopes I hold so deep,

A vast world I could fill,

If only I let my soul be seen.

But I hide it all in.

Take the emotions and pack them in.

Further and further until they can't be seen.

Sometimes I think the fool is awake deep within me.

Because only a fool would hide form love,

Only a fool would hide from truth,

Only a fool would be silent and still

When freedom knocks and asks,

"Please let me in".

Sometimes I think the sun burned me deep,

Scorched everything.

Sometimes I wonder, what fool would love a fool like me?

It's Hard

It's hard for me sometimes,
To act like your expectation.

I have a tendency to speed things up,
Move too quickly,
Start something before its time.

It's hard for me to sit and wait,
Just be.
Wait for you.

To say something,
Ask something,
To make that phone call.

I guess what I'm saying is,
It's hard for me to be passive.
To not be direct,
To not do.

It's not just hard,

It's really hard.

So I'm here waiting,
Hoping,
Maybe even wishing.

But till you do,
I'll sit here waiting on you.

STOPPED RUNNING AGAINST THE TIME

I put your picture in a box of glass,
Watched it as it fell and smashed,
I wrote these words upon my heart,
Today,
I'm not fighting it anymore.

You must have hurt when it all crashed,
Fell apart and hit the end before it played....
You must remember my name, my face,
But I'm,
Letting go of it all today.

I put my shoes on and ran out the door,
I felt that wind against my face, it's not cold anymore,
The clouds they seem to have lifted,
The sun is finally shinning and I'm,
Not running anymore.

I get so crazy when those thoughts come in my head,
I get so lost when I think of you instead,
I'm trying, doing it so well
Yeah I'm not running against the time.

Yeah I'm healing with the breeze,
Yeah, I stopped running against the time.

I put your picture on the palm of my hand.
I watched as the wind blew it away.
The pain I feel no longer wears me down,
Yeah,
Stopped running against the time.
I'm not running anymore.

What I want

I asked myself, what I want.

I asked this question after temptation came knocking.
Cause, it would be so easy, wouldn't it?
To let temptation take the reigns,
Even just for a day or an hour.
But then, it would all fade away.
So I turned away from this temptation.

I asked myself what I want.

After so many had asked the same.
Cause it would be easy to say I am content,
Safe, sure, at rest here.
But my galloping heart is never that way.
I'm always searching, reaching, yearning, going,
Forward, further, for more.
I dream, I aspire, I do, I become.

I asked myself what do I want.

My adult self, should be very clear, certain, sure.
Well, I know what I want.
I have a plan,
I'll get there I know,
Not straight, but bent and crooked and exhausted,
But I'll get there.
I know who I want,
Not a maybe, a reluctant okay,
An I can fix this or that,
Not, it's not all okay, but it'll work,
No.

I want the picture I have in my head.
It won't be perfect, but it'll be so worth it.

I asked myself what I want
As I lay down at night with the breeze as my companion,
The stars as my audience,
The moon, my spotlight.
What do I want?

I saw it all, the love, the success, the gains, the losses.

I am who I need to get there,
I know what I want and perhaps, this time,
I shall go after it without any compromise.

ACTION MAN

I said, 'I think I scare him',
She laughed, 'Why?'
I said, 'I'm not into the usual bull shit'
She frowned, 'Bull shit?'
I explained,

You know,
The whole, I get you,
I understand you,
You're beautiful,
You're funny,
You're sexy,
I'd treasure you,
You'd be my everything.

Just STOP IT.

She said, 'You're crazy, what's wrong with that?'
I said, 'Everything!'
I explained,

The problem is, they all use it,
They think it's a safe bet.
Tell you how the sun rises and sets in your eyes,
How beautiful life is when they are with you,
How amazing you are,
They all say it.
Hoping they can get you in their beds,
Rolling your eyes back,
Screaming their names,
So that they can feel like "real men"

That bull shit.

She asked, 'So, what do you want?'

I smiled and I explained,

I want someone to show me, not tell me.

Show me how life is beautiful when I'm with you,
Show me how the sun looks like in my eyes,
Show me that you're mind doesn't just race to your bed,
Show me you have better plans prepared for me, for you, for us, in your head.
Act on these plans,
Build those foundations,
Court me, not through your phone,
But in real life.
Know me.

Know what I like, what I don't,
What I mean when my response comes out confused,
Know when I'm mad and try to fix it, not walk away to let me "think through it"

I'm not alone in this,
So don't ever leave me to swim in the deep.

Show me, this beautiful, amazing life when we are together and even more,
When we are apart.

I want the actions;
Flowers for nothing but to put a smile on my face,
A phone call to let me know you're outside my door without  my expectation,
Hold my hand because you love the feel of that embrace,
Hold me, because you know I'd never ask, but you know how I love it
Kiss me with no intention of going further, but with a desire to feel love in a simple, intimate, passionate gesture.
I want actions that say forever.

Not words,
Actions.

She laughed. 'Is there any one out there like that?'
I said, 'If I can imagine it, he probably is out there.'

And I know you are,
So I won't rush you anymore, when you're ready,
I will be too.

For now, I'll work on me and you on you,
Enjoy your days and I'll bask in mine too.
For waiting is just time passing as it does everyday,
A small price to pay,
For a life time by your side.

Love myself.

It's almost a month since my last post.
I have been reading my thoughts across these pages and think, I love my blog.
I love the mind that writes it, the mind that thinks it and the heart that feels it.

I have been inspired by so much lately, but the words are hard to write.
Almost like they'd betray me, because in them I know, I have every answer.
Yet, I almost, completely, do not want to know these answers.
They confirm what I know, this isn't my ideal world.

So, I let the words build up till they have to spill out,
Onto this world,
This blog,
Where I am.

A whole other year is about to go by.

Reality is knocking harder, life isn't getting easier,
My three loves are growing bigger, they'll be bigger than me soon!
All I really want, i s a great life for these little angels, my nephews, they are my heart.
Honestly, there is no love like that for a child.
For them I'd give my own without a thought.

But again, I have to remember, there is always me.
So, till I pour out a thought or my heart, have a good night.

I just discovered this, and besides the obvious, it's in my ear now and just reminds me to love myself always.
(I know what the song's about but it does have other not so physical meanings (I think) :))

Waiting

Here I sit waiting for you,
Here I've sat all this month through.
Down to the last few days.

They said you'd come,
But I haven't seen a sign yet.

Yet here I sit waiting on you.

I wonder what you look like,
Your eyes, your smile.
I wonder what you feel like,
Your hands, your hair.

But here I am waiting on you.

He has sandy hair and bright eyes,
His height is just right,
And he's even polite!

But I doubt he is you.
You see, he is with someone else.
They never said you'd come attached.

So here I am waiting for you.

He was nice and polite,
Smart and alright.
Educated in his speech.
But I don't know if he is you.

So here I sit waiting on you.

You don't keep time,
Perhaps you just have perfect timing.
I'll know if you show before the clock hits midnight on the thirty first of this month.

Here I am.

I am not perfect,
But I am waiting.
I am not the most beautiful,
But my soul is an amazing never ending garden.
I am not a model,
But I am an inspiration.

Here I am waiting for you.

It's getting late now.
The month is almost out of days.
I'm getting weary.
My heart is wide open.
I'm ready to be revealing
With my emotions I guard so well.
I'm ready to drop these defenses.

But I'm still waiting.

So I sit.
Writing to you.
I know that one day this one dream shall come true.

Till then my love,
I know one thing is true,
You have horrible timing,
That's sucks, but don't worry,
I'm still here waiting.
Waiting for you.