SILENCED

I've been held down so many times.

My reactions are often not what are expected and met with a harsh reaction.

Be quiet, is what comes to mind.

Don't think.

Think this, not that.

Say this, not that.

Silenced.

Found myself screaming internally last night to myself.

Why?

I've fought too much to the point where emotionally, I am spent.

Mentally, I am no longer up for the fight.

Spiritually, I shall never not fight.

When he says what he says

When he says I want you,

I wonder, how?

For a night?
Rustling in his sheets,
Leaving him breathless,
Satiated? Contented? Spent?
Then it's back to you as you and me as me, no we.

I wonder, what does he mean?

For life?
For a partner?
To fight away the hard times,
Celebrate upon the good ones,
To build love, hope, family,
Success?
No longer you as you and me as me but us as we.

When he says I want to know you

I ask myself, for?

For my mind?
My very self?
For me?
To help me create the supernova I was meant to be?
To nurture growth,
To love the imperfect to perfection?
No longer me as only me but also as the me you see.

When he says he will wait

I ask myself, for how long?

Till you walk me down the aisle?
Till you take my hand and declare undying love,
In front of the church, the parents, the friends, Heaven itself?
Until I say I do,
Until I say I am ready,
Until I say, please do?

No longer you as you and me as me but as us melting into each other.

When he keeps silent

I ask, is my truth too heavy for him to hold?
Can he manage to carry the both of us when I am weak and unable?
Can he understand the mind of a woman and the secrets in her heart?
Can he see through them to the very heart of me?
Can he love me for all my flaws?
No longer me alone but me and him,
Together,
Always.

When he says all he says,
I smile,
I wonder,
I ask all these questions silently.
When he says what he says.

body

It's beautiful isn't it?
I bet you can't wait to gaze at it in its honestness.

You ache for it.

That moment when that's all you see.

No obstructions, just body.

I know.

They are many like you before,
There are many now.

body.

What the eyes and body see,
Can you explain it to me?

What do you see yourself becoming when you see it?

What do you want to do?

Say it-

It is no crime.

But it is all a lie.

While you may thirst,
Crave,
Dream,
Hope for,

It is all a lie.

If you can not connect soul and mind,

All you have is a lie.

body.

Beautiful deception that you are willing to fall into,
Sink into, wrap yourself in,
Satisfy yourself in,
Lose yourself in,
Boost your ego in.

body.

While you colour me in

There's endless lines,
Infinite depth,
A spectrum so bright and alive,
Brimming, vibrating, waiting.

It's as if you could say I have been fast asleep all this time.
Breathing, but not exhaling, not holding my breath either,
Just living.

Not making any effort,
But not not trying either.

I've spent so long developing these walls,
These perimeters to ensure I am safe, always.
I've spent so long living within this self imposed prison,
Allowing only those that I love deeply in.

So when you try to chip away,
Try to gain access,
Try to love me through these walls,
Understand one thing;

You can not colour me as you would please;

Vibrant always,
Happy ever,
Bubbly overflowing,
Sweet on tap,
Caring unconditionally,
You can not.

The colours are there,
They are beautiful,
They are slightly dull,
They will become vivid and vibrant,
They will exude all the beauty the good Lord placed within me,
If and only if,
You choose to let them shine as they choose to.

Not for your pleasure,
Your quest for illusions,
Not your ego,
But for the love you give, that allows them to shine.

So fill in the blank spaces,
Take your time when you chip away,
Smile when you see the shades,
After all, they are becoming because of you.

Embrace these slow, baby steps,
One at a time
Know that soon enough,
When you least expect,
We will be able to colour me in,
Vibrantly, vividly,
Shinning.

Till then,
Be gentle,
Be patient,
Be kind,
While you colour me in.

Sometimes, foolishly

Sometimes I think,
The moon must have fallen on me.

For the shadows are so thick I can't see beyond me.

Sometimes I think,
The stars don't shine on me,

For every missed moment seems taken too abrupt.

Sometimes I think,
Only another fool could love me.

For this foolish mind and heart surely can't be loved by another.

Sometimes I know, I'm not good enough,

Not open enough,

Strong enough,

Talking enough,

Doing enough.

Sometimes I wonder, why does anyone choose to look?

Sometimes I think the world will never see,

Just how far my heart can beat,

All these hopes I hold so deep,

A vast world I could fill,

If only I let my soul be seen.

But I hide it all in.

Take the emotions and pack them in.

Further and further until they can't be seen.

Sometimes I think the fool is awake deep within me.

Because only a fool would hide form love,

Only a fool would hide from truth,

Only a fool would be silent and still

When freedom knocks and asks,

"Please let me in".

Sometimes I think the sun burned me deep,

Scorched everything.

Sometimes I wonder, what fool would love a fool like me?

It's Hard

It's hard for me sometimes,
To act like your expectation.

I have a tendency to speed things up,
Move too quickly,
Start something before its time.

It's hard for me to sit and wait,
Just be.
Wait for you.

To say something,
Ask something,
To make that phone call.

I guess what I'm saying is,
It's hard for me to be passive.
To not be direct,
To not do.

It's not just hard,

It's really hard.

So I'm here waiting,
Hoping,
Maybe even wishing.

But till you do,
I'll sit here waiting on you.

STOPPED RUNNING AGAINST THE TIME

I put your picture in a box of glass,
Watched it as it fell and smashed,
I wrote these words upon my heart,
Today,
I'm not fighting it anymore.

You must have hurt when it all crashed,
Fell apart and hit the end before it played....
You must remember my name, my face,
But I'm,
Letting go of it all today.

I put my shoes on and ran out the door,
I felt that wind against my face, it's not cold anymore,
The clouds they seem to have lifted,
The sun is finally shinning and I'm,
Not running anymore.

I get so crazy when those thoughts come in my head,
I get so lost when I think of you instead,
I'm trying, doing it so well
Yeah I'm not running against the time.

Yeah I'm healing with the breeze,
Yeah, I stopped running against the time.

I put your picture on the palm of my hand.
I watched as the wind blew it away.
The pain I feel no longer wears me down,
Yeah,
Stopped running against the time.
I'm not running anymore.