Soul and Woman

Because you are who you are,
That's enough.
Because there will never be another you,
That's enough.

Because in this life there'll be a lot of questions,
Wrong turns,
Down sides,
Pain,
Regret,
Beacuse that is the road we all walk,
It's enough.

Because there'll be days when he panic hits you in the throat and you can barely breathe,
It's okay.

Curl into me, I promise, you are safe here.

Roll into these arms and they'll engulf you like they shoud.

Cry on these shoulders and I'll kiss your tears out,

Wail to me and I will listen,

But don't break, not yet,
you're getting better,
Don't break, not yet.

Litter the pain in my hands and I'll pick it all up,
Spi it put and I won't look away,
Fill me with the pain and I'll take it.

Just do not break.

Not now, when we are slowly mending.
Not now when your heart is slowly healing,
Not now when there's so much to look forward to yet the past keeps clawing at you.

Don't break!

I'm afraid if you do, I'll never be able to put you back again.

I will try, always, but sometimes, the pain is too overwhelming for me.
The tears are too many.
There is too much sorrow that holding you feels like I myself, am about to break.

So please, while I get stronger, don't break, not yet.

It's okay

Sometimes, it's in the small things.

You need to love yourself.

I am understanding this on a different level.

Not because I don't but because, perhaps, I have never done it right.

I'm starting to understand that it's okay for me to need specific things out of myself.

It's okay for no one to understand those things either.

Silence? That's okay, it isn't a signal of something wrong.

Healing? There's definitely a lot of pain there.

Redemption? Hmmm, if ever.

Me? Always!

I'm like a drug to myself, the only one that knows the perfect medicine at the perfect timing.

It's okay to be in love with my dysfunction. It's okay to birth a new me.

It's okay to be alone in this head or with a million voices all at once.

It's okay to drown it all out with loud music blaring into my ears.

It's okay if that gets me to the next version.

It's okay to share who I am with him and to not expect him to know who that is.

It's okay to be me.

Sometimes, she's all I need or want.

She's home.

The closest thing to safe.

It's okay to be broken and mending. To be with everyone and yet alone.

It's okay as long as you feel it.

Love yourself in all different ways.

It's better than expecting anyone else to know how to love you.

Drown Out the Pain

Put on your favorite songs,
Play them louder than you can scream over them,
Let your soul spill out
As you shout out the words,
Louder and louder,
Get to that whisper.
Let that pain come out,
Let those lyrics heal you,
Make you know you're not alone.

Let's heal that pain.

Shout again, louder now,
Those tears burn through your mind,
Let it all out,
Let those lyrics caress the lies,
Let the pain flood out,
There's no need to hide now.

Let that music take away that pain.

It's getting lower now,
Slowing down,
Your heart is racing,
You're at that moment,
Down on the floor,
The crying is done,

Let's drown out that pain again.

Play another song,
Get up and dance,
Your body knows what it needs,
Release that pain,
Louder, faster, higher,
Let it all out.

Drown out that pain.

All the lies, that you tell yourself when you're not alone,
Let it out, let it out,
All the things you want but know cannot be,
Out!
Every disappointment,
Every fail,
Every last breath that was hard to take,
Out!
Let it out,
While the lyrics speak to you,
Like they know you.
Out!
Drown it all out.

Play that one song,
The one you play in the mornings that helps you get up,
The one that gets you going,
Tell yourself how amazing you feel,
It's gone


For now


Drown it out my love,
At the loudest it can get,
Even when it feels your ears may bleed,
Let it run through your veins,
Drown it out.
So that there can be a tomorrow,
For all your todays.

Used To Love.....

Isn't it interesting how as we grow we suddenly fall out of love with what we once were crazy over?

For me, these are places mostly, because they hold sentiments that now hurt when I think of them.

I don't hold on to the past anymore, I like to let it lie, in the past, behind me.

But, I was recently met with one such place in my face, in an advert that had me wondering what would have been.

I saw the buildings, the places, the lifestyle and asked myself, "What if?"

I smiled. I remember the places I went to, the things I did, the smells of the places and realized, I'm glad, there is no "what if"!

I love where I have found myself now, five years past that "what if". I'm happy, here.

Oddly enough, I have absolutely no desire to ever revisit this place, even for what it is now.

I used to love it, couldn't stand to be away from it, but now, I really couldn't care for it at all.

It's been a while......

Rather, more than, a while!

But here I am!☺☺☺☺

Finally!

I realise my last post was about death and how ironic that I wrote that and then would have to experience a, still unbelievable, death. Deaths, they are pauses in our lives that make us think, question and reflect. This particular one, hit me in a way I never knew possible.

It has taken me months to recover from my past year and I finally feel, I'm starting to build again, slowly, carefully, thoughtfully, lovingly. I want a life that stands up and sings every morning, not one that flops by the sides and does out of obligation to contract.

That's 👆 hard, I wish someone had told me earlier, a life you love, is hard to make so you have to start as soon as you feel your whole being sing the first time you attempt something new. I tried to close my eyes and remember the first time that happened to me; when I did something for the first time and suddenly I felt alive and real, nothing jumped up.😐

I'm confident this moment will happen, eventually, because, to be honest, if it hasn't happened already it will soon enough. In my pursuit for happiness and fulfilment, I always believed I have to find my purpose, then everything will click!

Wrong! There is no such thing happening for me, hasn't been for a while, then I began to soul search, meditate, read, think mindfully, basically, try everything to reach a, "Ah, this is my purpose" moment. Nothing.

It came to me though, one day as I was reading a rather soul loving book, it's not about pausing your life or living in half mode to get to and find your purpose to go forward. It's about going forward with the journey, living positively, enjoying the small moments, the big ones, the boring ones and the hurtful ones and knowing that this is purpose. Living is purpose. And maybe from your living, you will find there are things you consistently do without noticing but someone in your life appreciates it, maybe that's it, or maybe it isn't your purpose. Maybe your purpose will hit you unexpectedly on a bright sunny day, walking through the mall or on that rainy day lying under a duvet.

But in the meantime, this life you have, is your greater purpose, because you can choose to light it up as a beacon for those you can assist in whichever way or you can choose to leave it be, just another life.

But why shrink, yet you were born to shine.

Thank  you for reading.

When I die

When I die
I hope you won't feel empty by the void that I've left,
I hope you'll be full instead,
Share my love with the world I've left behind.

When I die I hope you tell the world I was happy,
I hope they see it in your eyes,
I hope I leave you with peace cloaked in love.

When I die I know that you'll be sad,
Leave trails of loss across your face,
But I want you to smile instead,
Keep me alive with every breath.

If I die in my pursuit of happiness,
Tell the world I couldn't care less,
My happiness lives in you,
I died with a smile on my face.

If I die, trust me I died with love,
Scrolled across the open skies,
Written in the root of my heart,
I died with the warmth of love as a forever embrace.

Keep me alive in your smile,
Let your heart beat fill with love,
Carry me in your every step,
I loved you till my very last breath,
I'm alive in the very beat of your heart,
Don't cry,
When I die.

Becky

Darling, you are beautiful and smart.
No one can deny that.

You can do so much better, this is juat a pitstop a long the way.

Beauty he dislikes you because you don't want anything to do with him,
Know this, you're a better woman because of this.

This man is wretched, abusive, a user of women,
He'll try to break you,
Becky, hold still.

Becky, be firm,
Do not let your guard down.

He may think his authority earns him a pass into every woman's haven,
Let's proove him wrong.
Becky, stand firm, stand tall,
Keep saying no.

Becky, I want to fight for you but you are scared,
An abusive relationship is the same regardless of the stand,
No woman deserves to be mistreated even in another man's land,
Becky, this woman, won't let you stand alone.

Becky, I know you are scared, I know I do not understand,
But I shall fight for you and take a stand.

Becky, I once was you,
Until a strong man told me I did not have to be.
Since then, I have stood bold and strong.
Becky, let me help you.

We are women,
We are strong,
We aren't meant to sit in abuse.
We shall get through this,
We shall win.

Hesitation

I am staring at the blank page of my document,
I have so many things to write.

Stories, the poems seem to be a bit quieter these days,
But, I am hesitant.

Should I write what I feel?
What I know?
What I imagine?

What do I feel?
Many things, all at once, all at the same time.

What do I know?
My life, I suppose.

What do I imagine?
Too much all at once.

So, I hesitate.

I have never been good at having a first draft, writing it down then reading it all over again, then changing and writing,
Draft upon countless draft.
That's not me.

But, how will I know if it's good?
Cause, your soul will smile when you've written it out.

Hesitation.

It grips my typing hand every time I take to the keyboard.

Let it go,
My creativity whispers,
What's the worst that could happen?
Enchanting......

Hesitant.
Hesitation.

WEALTH

I think the definition of wealth needs to change.

For so long I have been told and have understood that wealth is all about your bank account, your wallet, your professional title. You are not wealthy if you do not have that good job, with that good wallet and that good bank balance.

I think my whole family is allergic to saving, just a side note.

So recently, sitting with my job that was tormenting me day and night looking at my bank balance wondering why the number never seems to stay above a certain amount, I have tried God knows, but let's not forget the allergy I mentioned above.

I realised, I have been taught the wrong definition of wealth. It has nothing to do with money. Nothing to do with success and nothing to do with happiness.

Wealth, what I believe, my new definition is; how healthy you are, how happy you are and how at peace of mind you are because that all determines the quality of life you have and if that quality is not good, then you are nowhere to wealthy.

I have never been so unhappy to get up and got to work, to face another nine hours at a place with little to offer besides a salary, Never had I asked myself over and over again, "why? why? why?" every single day of my life.

This made me question my morals, my life, my dreams, my goals, my desires, my thought process my whole life. I did not like where I was and how I was. Desperately in need for a break, tired all the time, often unhappy and cursing each day.

Negative, negative,negative.

What was I thinking? I was really on the brink of a career meltdown.

Then I hit a wall, a medical wall, that saw me entering the theatre days after learning about my condition, shocking, striking, a punch in the face out of nowhere.

I thought, I was chasing wealth, I realised I was running away from my happiness, my health, my peace of mind. I was emotionally, spiritually and peacefully broke. I had nothing but unhappiness, negativity and no will to get up in the morning.

I was nowhere near wealth at all.

Thus the change in definition.

Wealth; peace of mind, state of happiness, good health, self love.

SHAR-RA-PA-PUM-PUM

I am not pretentious,

I am who I am.

I can't be the other girls,
They aren't me.

So while you may be waiting for me to be like them,
I dance to the tune of my drum,

Shar-ra-pa-pum-pum

Get away from me,
With your conformity,

I refuse to be another you,
Baby I'm all original me.

They may have the good hair,
Tight bodies and a smile so bright,

But I,
I've got the stars and the sun,
I've got the moon in my life
And dreams burning bright,

So while you focus on a look,
I'm focusing on a being.

Marching to my own drum,

Shar-ra-pa-pum-pum

Who are you to lead me I don't want to follow anyone,
My story is my own, I'll write it up and tear it up
To write it  all again.
Don't try to deceive me, telling me who I should be,
I have an everlasting beauty beating in my veins,

So, show a little kindness,
Accept me for who I am
Make no judgement, just try to love the scars and flaws

I'll always be different, there's no similar one,
There's beauty in individuality, not all must conform.

So, let go of your expectations,
I fell short the moment you laid them down,

If you don't understand, just listen to the beating drum,

Shar-ra-pa-pum-pum

Beneath the Imperfection

Sometimes, I need to remove my glasses to think,
For some reason, everything becomes slightly more clearer.
Ironic?

Today more than ever, I felt like a conversation was due.

So,
I humbled myself, closed my eyes and my soul spoke.

She knows it all, you know.

I knew what she was saying, I just never articulated it so perfectly.

So, as I held my head in my hands,
I heard the answers,
Slid my glasses off and listened.

When did I arrive at this place?
Who is this person?

I was always fearless, jumping then looking for safety.

When did I get so guarded and scared?
So afraid?
When did I let fear become a friend?

Who is she?
My soul seemed to ask.

I haven't touched this page in months.
Haven't read through it till now.
There are stories bursting at their seams inside my heart,
They are asking me to release them.

I am ready.

Glass World

I thought I meant more to you,
I thought I'd share everything with you,
I thought between us,
We had a bond so strong.

But I guess I was wrong.

Now I understand exactly where I fit in.

Now I know I thought you as a world,
You thought me as a speck.

That's what happens when you lie to yourself
That's what happens when you fool yourself.

I quarreled with God

I quarreled with God last night,
Not because I wanted to, but because I had no other way,
My voice found its tone,
My tears found their release
And my bitterness found an out-

I let Him know how I felt,
Not like He doesn't know,
Not like He doesn't care,
But like He doesn't show he does.

I know, I know,
I am wrong.

I know, I should know better.

I know.

But you see, I was hurting.
So much and oh so bitter.

My spirit let it out,
My soul had been carrying it and suddenly it didn't have to anymore,
So I opened my ....... not my heart....
Not my mind.......
My inner me, the one that hides all my secrets, emotions, feelings, thoughts

I quarreled over fits of tears and stutters
I cried out to Him in pain, anger, disgust,
All of me hated all I was, in that moment
So I let Him know,
I hate everything I am.

How dreadful, how painful, how horrible.
Why so much hatred for who I am?

I quarreled and asked Him, why He made me as I am

I quarreled with God last night and I am so ashamed.

FIRE

Wrap me in coals,
Of burning desire,
Soothe me with your soul,
Keep taking me higher.

Kiss my lips,
Burn on them your flavour,
Taste my skin,
Leave me branded,

If I do wake in the morning,
If I do see the light of sun,
I know my world is changed forever,
 I'm a reflection of your love.

Blow at the embers,
Rouse me to burn
Re-light all my fires,
Let them burn bright

Breathe into my skin,
Christen me new,
Let me burn bright,
Desire for you

If I do wake in the morning,
If I do see the light of sun,
I know my world is changed forever,
I'm a reflection of your love

Engulf me in your fire,
I crave your touch,
Consume me with desire,
I'm burning bright.

And if I do see the light,
If my heart beats again,
If I do taste tomorrow,
I'd love to taste it from your lips.

Let it burn,
Burn,
Burn,
Deep on my tongue,
Tongue,
Tongue,
Let me breathe in the flames,
Consume me in your burning fire,

I've come undone,
No longer the same,
I'm burning light
From your fire.

WILDEST DREAMS

The song is playing in my head now.

But this isn't a post about wild romance.

This is a post about marriage.

Well, the anticipation of it.

My colleague is getting married, he is a forty something year old stuck in his ways slightly mean spirited man who makes it hard to imagine harmony prevailing in his home.
He seems to be highly dominative and I shudder to think that if the woman he has chosen to marry is meek and has no back bone, she will be reduced to whatever ideal he has of a wife in his head.

He paces A LOT when he talks on the phone and it kind of irritates myself and my colleagues as he chooses to use our space loudly, objecting to the other person on the end of the line instead of using his office.

That made me realize, when you marry someone, you're marrying their everything.

Those little annoying habits that may at first seem cute but on a bad day when you've failed to agree or agree to disagree on a matter that is pulling at your emotional clogger, those habits will be annoying and frustrating.

Those little quirks you have will stand out to them like a thick red sore thumb and they'll maybe, probably, want to knock it down because, for goodness sake can you stop pacing that damn floor!

So, marriage, dare I say it not even being engaged in the throws of it yet, is a bag of everything all at once suddenly.
Marry me and marry my countless books collection, my endless music collection, my quirky family, my vibrating alarms at an obscene hour and my love for funny memes and gifs.
Marry my aloofness, my cold hearted bitchy ways and my indifference where even if I care with every ounce of my beating heart, I will make it seem like I hate the ground you walk on.

Because, this is reality.

You spend a hefty amount of money on a day that leads to a lifetime of spending even more money on bills, taxes, children, health, food, clothing, luxuries, family trips e.t.c.
It gets harder if you chose to remain two separate entities, two individuals joined together by a band on your finger.

Choose wisely.

Cause the right person will see those quirks on your worst days as a couple and maybe hope you tripped and fell and thus stopped your annoying pacing but, then they'll think of how much you mean to them and they'll stop and ignore the annoying pacing and focus on sorting the problem because they chose you for who you showed them you are.

Only in my wildest dreams will I ever marry someone that caters to everything my heart desires and everything I want.

Only there.

In reality, perhaps my colleague's soon to be wife loves the pacing, maybe it keeps him calm while she's calculating her next move.
Maybe it gives them both some time for them to figure things out in their minds before they provide possible solutions.

Wildest dreams are, after all, just that, wild dreams that may or may not come to life.

And if they do, on a Monday when the kids are late to get out of the house, the traffic is never ending, little Johnny has dropped juice on his white school short, Lisa is mad because she can't go on that date and Tommy's marks are on a constant slope, when the bills are piling up and the taxes have to be done, when you barely spoke in the morning because, 'all I bloody asked for was you to take out the damn trash", that's when reality begs the question, "Would you change anything?"

I hope, my married friends, your answer all the time is no.

No, I would not.

Because amidst the chaos and the tantrums and the bills and the taxes, there is a love that is stronger than any challenge and as long as we are together, I know we shall be alright.

FRACTURED HEART

And those of us with fractured hearts that we allow those we love to break every other day will sleep in a sea of tears abound a bed of a fragile heart knowing that when we wake we are stronger than the bricks that hurl to break.

I love you so deeply you will never see it because you choose to look at my flaws with a magnifying glass that the beauty of the love I have is diminished by your incessant need to pick at my imperfection.

But the truth is, I love me so deeply there will never come a day this fractured heart doesn't beat to remind me, " You are worthy, you are carved in love, you are love, you are, you are, you are"

And that may just be enough.

SILENCED

I've been held down so many times.

My reactions are often not what are expected and met with a harsh reaction.

Be quiet, is what comes to mind.

Don't think.

Think this, not that.

Say this, not that.

Silenced.

Found myself screaming internally last night to myself.

Why?

I've fought too much to the point where emotionally, I am spent.

Mentally, I am no longer up for the fight.

Spiritually, I shall never not fight.

When he says what he says

When he says I want you,

I wonder, how?

For a night?
Rustling in his sheets,
Leaving him breathless,
Satiated? Contented? Spent?
Then it's back to you as you and me as me, no we.

I wonder, what does he mean?

For life?
For a partner?
To fight away the hard times,
Celebrate upon the good ones,
To build love, hope, family,
Success?
No longer you as you and me as me but us as we.

When he says I want to know you

I ask myself, for?

For my mind?
My very self?
For me?
To help me create the supernova I was meant to be?
To nurture growth,
To love the imperfect to perfection?
No longer me as only me but also as the me you see.

When he says he will wait

I ask myself, for how long?

Till you walk me down the aisle?
Till you take my hand and declare undying love,
In front of the church, the parents, the friends, Heaven itself?
Until I say I do,
Until I say I am ready,
Until I say, please do?

No longer you as you and me as me but as us melting into each other.

When he keeps silent

I ask, is my truth too heavy for him to hold?
Can he manage to carry the both of us when I am weak and unable?
Can he understand the mind of a woman and the secrets in her heart?
Can he see through them to the very heart of me?
Can he love me for all my flaws?
No longer me alone but me and him,
Together,
Always.

When he says all he says,
I smile,
I wonder,
I ask all these questions silently.
When he says what he says.

body

It's beautiful isn't it?
I bet you can't wait to gaze at it in its honestness.

You ache for it.

That moment when that's all you see.

No obstructions, just body.

I know.

They are many like you before,
There are many now.

body.

What the eyes and body see,
Can you explain it to me?

What do you see yourself becoming when you see it?

What do you want to do?

Say it-

It is no crime.

But it is all a lie.

While you may thirst,
Crave,
Dream,
Hope for,

It is all a lie.

If you can not connect soul and mind,

All you have is a lie.

body.

Beautiful deception that you are willing to fall into,
Sink into, wrap yourself in,
Satisfy yourself in,
Lose yourself in,
Boost your ego in.

body.

While you colour me in

There's endless lines,
Infinite depth,
A spectrum so bright and alive,
Brimming, vibrating, waiting.

It's as if you could say I have been fast asleep all this time.
Breathing, but not exhaling, not holding my breath either,
Just living.

Not making any effort,
But not not trying either.

I've spent so long developing these walls,
These perimeters to ensure I am safe, always.
I've spent so long living within this self imposed prison,
Allowing only those that I love deeply in.

So when you try to chip away,
Try to gain access,
Try to love me through these walls,
Understand one thing;

You can not colour me as you would please;

Vibrant always,
Happy ever,
Bubbly overflowing,
Sweet on tap,
Caring unconditionally,
You can not.

The colours are there,
They are beautiful,
They are slightly dull,
They will become vivid and vibrant,
They will exude all the beauty the good Lord placed within me,
If and only if,
You choose to let them shine as they choose to.

Not for your pleasure,
Your quest for illusions,
Not your ego,
But for the love you give, that allows them to shine.

So fill in the blank spaces,
Take your time when you chip away,
Smile when you see the shades,
After all, they are becoming because of you.

Embrace these slow, baby steps,
One at a time
Know that soon enough,
When you least expect,
We will be able to colour me in,
Vibrantly, vividly,
Shinning.

Till then,
Be gentle,
Be patient,
Be kind,
While you colour me in.