Saturday, 21 March 2015

FIGHTING - THE RIGHT FIGHT

I have never wanted to fight so hard for me than right now.

I always prayed if there had to be one taken from my family,
It would be me.

Because the others had families, significant others,
Children who needed them,
Loved them, had to have them.

I had nothing.

Just myself.

And if I was gone I would be missed,
But no child or partner would weep in the hole I had left in their hearts.

That was then.

Now,
I see what the truth really is.

I value.

I matter.

I have this life for a reason, a purpose.

I want this life.

I have plans for it,
To create a better tomorrow,
Better nows,
Better versions of the me I am.

So I began fighting,
Without even knowing it,
Without even feeling it,
Fighting for me.

Fighting, the right fight.

After all, He blew life into lungs and a beat into my heart,
There was always a plan for my life.
I just started to see it.

I'm fighting for every beat, every breath, every trial every success.

I'm fighting on the right side.

A Parting Gift

I love who you used to be to me.
You were a hero in my eyes,
The very reason I loved having you in my life.

But you began to show your true self
And you didn't care if that hurt who I was to you.

I cried in front of your truth,
Shed my shields and let you see me for who I was.

You still didn't care that you hurt me so much,
That a part of me broke every single time.

I blamed myself for being so bad in your eyes.
It must have been something I'd done,

"What did I do?" I cried to myself,
Tears rolling down my face,
"I must have done something wrong."
"I truly am useless"
"Worthless"

I lied to myself.

Believed I was incapable of being loved, 
Believed I was stupid,
Those were the words you said,
STUPID.

I believed that was who I was.



Then I started to experience life on my own,
I hit a ceiling and crashed so hard to the ground
I broke so much of myself, I lost a lot of who I was
And who I became questioned everything I had been told.

Wasn't I good enough to be loved?
Wasn't I worth the while?
Wasn't I precious, clever, smart, intelligent?
Wasn't I priceless?

So who I became decided you had no right,
To tell me those words that you knew would crush everything I was.

So I gave up on hearing you,
Listening to you,
Leaning on you,
Believing in you, believing you.

Who I became, who I am,
Wants to say,
That I love you,
You are from my blood,
You are in my skin,
You are from where I am,
But I can never trust another word you say.

I can never hate you,
I can only love you,
But I love who I am more now than before.
And this new love leaves you with this parting gift,

I love you much more than you believe,
But our lines are better running parallel 
I wish you all that you dream and hope for.
I shall clap at your success,
Pray for the best for you,
But I will never let you close enough to hurt me ever again.

This, my dear,
Is my parting gift.

If I told you what I see when I look at you

When I look at you,
I marvel at what I see.
I see so much more, than you see the potential to be.

You are love, you are light, you are brilliance waiting to break free.

When I look at you,
I love what I see.

You are excellence, you are amazing,
You are brilliance waiting to happen.

God made you and He knew somewhere,
Down the line,
You too would look at you and see,
All the excellence that you could be.

I love what I see,
When I gaze my eyes upon thee.

I see your struggles, your sadness, your healing,
I see your light.

It's truly amazing,
How bright you shine when I look at you.

If I told you what I see,
When I look at you,
Would you believe me?

That in all this rubble of the past,
In all these building blocks of the future,
You are excellence personified,
Happening slowly,
Gracefully,
Going down your road
On a lovely, story worthy pleasant journey.

When I look at you,
I see a past, a present,
An amazing future, an amazing becoming,
An excellent light.

When I look at you I see the brilliance of your light
I hope and pray you see the same,
When you gaze upon your face,
In your moments of truth, of hope, of light.

I love who I see,
When I gaze upon thee.

A YEAR GONE BY

I last visited my blog over a year ago!

WOW!

That took me forever, I wonder why.

Well, it has been an interesting coming into, breaking in a new way of thinking, a new way of living, I am now officially a different person from who I was.

In my last year my heart was still healing from my past. I was sad on some days, mad on others, afraid at times and unhappy often.

I cried and cried for all I had gone through, all that my heart was still hurting from, the pain my memories and reality caused.

But then, I began to heal.

I began to see this life through a different lens. Probably through the correct, rightful lens.

I began to love who I was and try to understand who I was becoming.

I began to love God in a whole new light, in a better way, in a way I finally could realize He sees all, He knows all and I can not hide anything from Him.

But unlike human nature, no matter what I do, have done, will do, He will always love me for who He knows I am and who He knows I am meant to be.

I had stopped writing, maybe because I felt guilty, maybe because I held in everything afraid to let it go, to let it out, to let it breathe.

But now I realize, I need my awesome talent to help me release all that's left, all that's happened, all that's been and to help me unleash the best of all that I can be.

You're welcome to read, to laugh, to not be bothered. Remember, if you have a positive honest true dream, a plan for your life that makes you feel good, makes you feel right, go after it and live it.

This is your life.

Only you can live it and breathe it and feel it.

Take it higher to its awesome height and watch God lift it even higher than you could ever imagine.